Want to rule the world?
Enjoy travel and meeting people?
The UK's leading defence contractor IMPERIAL OUTREACH is recruiting Management
Trainees. Full training provided.
Ready for action? We will teach you how to:
1. Steal Value
You will be a strong believer in private ownership. Your key
task will be to seize territory rich in exploitable natural resources
- ideally fertile land with plentiful fresh water, bountiful wildlife,
mineral wealth (oil, gas, diamonds) or human resources (cheap or free
You will be a persuasive communicator as in return for these
resources, you will offer promises, trinkets, bribes, old technologies,
small arms, unsold produce or manufactures or, at a push, IOUs in the
form of Treasury Bonds.
You will receive full IT support. Our Commercial Insight Team
will provide you with the eavesdropping tools you will need to get to
the bottom line fast.
You will be conscientious and results orientated. When indigineous
leaders don't respond to reason, you will harness the power of our International
Partnership Team to escalate the cost of local living to intolerable levels.
Embargos, sanctions, currency attack or debilitating disease may be used.
We encourage creativity.
You will be a strong advocate for our services. Once abject poverty
sets in, you will help the locals realize that we offer the only hope
of rescue for a badly mismanaged nation. You will help bring about better
governance by ensuring inefficient leaders are retired early, if not by
elections, then by an internal coup, assassinations or imprisonment. At
minimum, you will ensure that local officials sign up to property rights
reform as a condition of the emergency loans our Financial Aid Team will
offer. When the crippling loan repayments bite forcing the sell-off of
local assets to produce the required foreign currency, your leads will
ensure that our Foreign Investment Team is best positioned to acquire
land, businesses, homes and resource exploration rights at minimum cost.
You will be a tireless pragmatist. Should the softly softly approach
fail, you will liaise with our Conflict Resolution team to bring about
a military solution. Together you will destroy indigineous means of communicating,
promote anarchy and, when necessary, ferment civil war. Scaring the professional
classes into exile and capturing or enslaving any locals audacious enough
to resist change will be essential.
You will have a good knowledge of Public Relations. To win hearts
and minds you may be required to train and arm proxies or disaffected
opposition groups to facilitate the bombing of civilians in markets,
on trains, in places
of worship, in bars and restaurants. These foot soldiers may be promised
special dispensations - positions of authority in a new government, foreign
currency, modern weapons, or a better future. Your PR expertise will ensure
that their activities are blamed on communists, insurgents, militants,
extremists, terrorists or inter-factional fighting. You will use the local
media to amplify the natural anger, fear and anxiety which results from
the bombings and thus drive civilians to exhaustion, after which the protection
from violence we can offer will be most welcome.
2. Rig the system
You will put systems in place to secure long-term improvements in
performance. Setting up legal and political frameworks to institute
permanent progress will be key to your role. Once new decrees have been
ratified you will ensure that our right to rule is unquestioned, land
and resource acquisitions are protected in law, and preferred candidates
assume positions of power. You will leave new senior civil servants under
no illusions as to the flexibility that true leadership requires - a flexibility
embedded in common parlance like "one rule for us, another for them",
"you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" and "back-off
or suffer the consequences".
You will incentivise strong active support. Where possible we
will lighten the tax burden and advance the commercial interests of campaign
investors and donors. We accept that it is crucial that companies offer
boundless bonuses, sumptuous share options, expansive expense accounts
and off-shore tax havens in order to attract the best quality senior management.
Where the media is concerned, rewards will take the form of exclusives
with key decision makers offered only to those journalists who have proven
to be dependable allies to our cause. Doubters are likely to find themselves
uninvited and may even attract the attention of our lawyers or our PR
Crisis Prevention team.
You will, at all times, respect the primacy of the international reserve
currency and the benefits that this bestows on the issuer. That oil
the world over is priced and may be exchanged only for dollars is a position
we intend to maintain. Many countries for many years have exported produce
to the USA in order to earn the dollars to buy oil. As the cost of issuing
dollars is minimal and the demand for energy is never going to go away,
this has become a form of tribute which enables the US to live way beyond
its own productive means. It produces constant high demand for dollars
so maintaining the dollar's artificially high relative value and providing
US consumers with unearned extra purchasing power. We like this advantage
. You will fight to defend it, particularly in cases where an oil producer
get ideas about selling oil for a competitive currency like the Euro.
You will at all times legislate in the best interests of the company.
The ability of indigineous people to be self-sufficient should be discouraged.
The preferred model is dependency, both on the dollar for stable purchasing
power, on aid for food, and on our commercial supply chain for household
income. Part of your role will be to encourage land clearances, evictions
and property speculation. This will reduce affordability and drive down
plot sizes to levels at which living off the land (self-sufficiency) and
living out of the supply chain, can no longer be perceived as viable alternatives.
You will encourage the use of English in all official discourse
since your greater command of the language will give you the upper hand
in negotiations. Foreign languages will be an advantage, but only for
intelligence and knowing what is being said behind your back.
3. Kill Alternatives
You will be fearless in your defence of national security. Participatory
democracies do not always produce desirable leadership. When the popular
view doesn't coincide with our own preferences, you will reshape reality
by the active manipulation of the media, votes or facts. Where this manipulation
looks like it won't produce results fast enough, you will be prepared
to employ terror. The human auto-response to terror is flight to whoever
or wherever safety is promised. This provides the cover to chip away at
constitutional checks and balances on power.
You will be prepared to discredit anyone who threatens to undermine
the official narrative which explains actions we consider to be in
the national interest. New hopes, new ideas, new solutions contrary to
our own interests must be swept to the margins. Dissenters will be challenged
in public. Old allies who risk becoming an embarrassment will be removed
from the media's gaze.
4. Keep secrets
You will be able to keep a secret. The public doesn't need to
know that enjoying a low cost of living and high levels of profitability
requires others to work for free (give or take a few dollars) in prisons,
sweat shops and third world factories. Tales of dirty money flooding into
Wall Street or the Square Mile, or of institutionalised corruption in
world beating corporations, of drug smuggling operations to finance rebels,
of regular government interventions to prop up the financial edifice,
of investors persuaded by experts to enter stock and property markets
at the worst possible moment. People don't want or need to know this stuff.
All that glitters will shine in the shape of TV celebrity and all that
shocks will distract people from the unseen background hum of our activities.
You will be bound by the official secrets act and will make sure
that breeches which threaten to derail the country's set strategic direction
are dealt with in the most severe fashion. You will plan meticulously.
Car accidents, heart attacks, tragic suicides and the like ought not to
be left to chance.
For an application form and further details email firstname.lastname@example.org
Ends | 16 June 2007 | The Leg